Healthy relationships are important for well-being. They provide validation and support, and a space where trust and collaboration can flourish.
Building healthy relationships is partly about minimizing unhealthy ones. We make room for nourishing relationships by limiting the energy we spend on toxic people. Over time, we learn how to choose positive connections over relationship sinkholes.
How to Avoid Entanglement
The four steps to recovery we’ve explored can help you avoid toxic entanglements, not just exit them.
Gaining distance, for instance, can be useful in minimizing the extent to which you become enmeshed in unhealthy relationships. We’re bound to come across toxic people, and sometimes we don’t have much time to prepare. By shifting quickly into a bland, grey-rock stance, we can set up a neutral framework for our interactions. Grey-rocking also buys you time to watch the individual and learn more about their motivations, triggers, and tactics. Knowledge is power, and the more you know, the more effective you’ll be.
This is where your capacity for understanding manipulation comes into play. Over time, you’ll be able to inventory the manipulator’s tactics, see how their methods play out, and become familiar with their behaviour. You’ll see how you might fit into their agenda and recognize when you’re being targeted. Eventually, you’ll be able to anticipate more and more of their behaviour, which will help lessen the element of surprise. You may even find a sense of power or agency in your ability to study the manipulator from a distance.
The practice of self-compassion will meanwhile help you prioritize your well-being. Negative interactions are inherently stressful, so self-care is a crucial part of relationship management. Moreover, self-compassion helps us stay anchored, which is so important when the water gets rough. Every moment we spend in tune with our authentic needs, desires, and values, is a moment well lived.
Setting boundaries is where the rubber hits the road, as you navigate the various pressures and requests that are thrown your way. It’s about working from your core values and learning how to defend and express your actual feelings in the face of unfairness or exploitation, without causing undue hardship for yourself.
Boundary setting is best viewed as a strategic process. Take some time to weigh the pros and cons of various courses of action. The goal is to set a strategy that contains the manipulator as best as possible, by leveraging the power that you wield in a particular situation. Direct confrontation usually isn’t the best approach, so consider indirect forms of disengagement—grey-rocking, staying out of their way, and so on. The idea is to avoid escalation when possible. Again, weigh all of your options.
Building Healthy Relationships After Abuse
If you’ve been in a long-term abusive relationship, it may be helpful to seek out online support groups as an early step towards healthy reconnection. Many people have found comfort and companionship in sharing their experiences. It can be incredibly heartening to know that you’re not alone. There are groups that focus on narcissistic relationship support (use that as a search term), as well as the fallout from physical abuse, mental health issues, and addiction. The website Meetup is a great place to start, though you can certainly find online and in-person groups elsewhere.
A Final Note from the Author
As a victim of narcissistic abuse, I can relate to the pain that it causes. I hope that this website’s a source of comfort, and that it supports your recovery.
Understanding Narcissism is a labour of love. I send it out from the heart, wishing you the same joy that I’ve found on my road to recovery.